Thursday, June 02, 2016 Amir sulman 2 Comments Category : ,


Accolades for the author:

"A.S.Trolling is the best writer in the world." Me.

"A.S Trolling is a genius." My mom.

"I will pray for you." My pastor.

"I have never heard of you." A girl I met.

"Why are you making that face?" Child protection services.

"Dafuq did I just read? My eyes are burning!" Random hater.

"I am so glad to be born in the same time as A.S.Trolling. God is real!" Obama.

Dedicated to:

Every potter-head who thinks this book will answer their prayers.
It won't.
to J.K.Rowling,
this is no where near over.

Foreword by Sania Mumtaz Tahir.

I had the immense and profound pleasure of reading this literary masterpiece, first hand.
Harry Potter and The Shit That Got Real is a story that breaks stereotypes, pushes your imaginary boundaries to another level and brings you a new world of possibilities that one could never have thought possible had it not been the creative prowess of Mr. A.S.Trolling.
Concise and not subtle in the least, this books makes you want to believe in magic even more desperately than J.K.Rowling's version.

So, read on and see the world transform in front of your eyes in 3,2,1..

Chapter one: Same shit, different day. (SSDD)

It was a fine September morning in Brooklyn, New York. Sun was shining brightly in through the windows and caressed Harry's face as he slept open mouthed with his tongue lolling and drooling and dreaming about strawberry and potato pudding.
The room was full of the most diverse and unusual things there could possibly be in the room of a seventeen year old teenager. A writing desk. A bookshelf. A PlayStation. A football. And a pack of cigarettes. In another world, this unnatural and eccentric behavior would be anything but acceptable. But Harry was happy to announce that he was perfectly abnormal, thank you very much. He was a teenager and had no fucking clue about what was happening in his life.

The alarm clock struck 9:00 am. Harry was shaken out of his dream.
"Damn it". He thought.
He has had the same dream for the whole last week and he was just inches from the pudding today.

He picked up his mobile phone from the bedside table. 10 notification. Friend requests. Retweets. Instagram likes. Tinder. This one caught his eye. He scrolled through the profile for sometime but his bladder was really full and he needed to go to the bathroom so he gave it up. Stepping on broken chargers and plastic forks he went to the bathroom.

At 10:00 am he was ready. Fully clothed and ready to go downtown to do some house hold chores and to catch up with some old friends. He usually took an Uber to wherever he wanted to go but today he felt like walking. So, he stepped out into the neighborhood. People smoking weed. Hipsters making music. School drop-outs making wall art. He walked silently to the end of the street and turned left onto the main drive that had a train station a few minutes down the lane. At the train station he bought an onion bagel for breakfast and then a breath mint to ward off the flavor. Life was tough and money tougher to come by. So he made do with whatever was possible. He boarded the E-train which took him straight to downtown Manhattan.

Twenty minutes later he got off the train into the heart of the city, Times Square. Harry hurried into the thronging crowd feeling that if he were lucky enough today he would be able to pick up more than five pockets from the commuters. Once he was through the crowd and into a safe side alley he couldn't believe his eyes. He has 10 purses in his hands.

Chapter two: Dumb and Dumber.

Overjoyed, Harry bought an extra large ice-cream cone and licked his way on. He was on his way to the famous bookshop, Barnes and Noble. It was located right between the bar he used to drink at and the bar he used to danced at. It brought back memories as Harry watched from the distance and his eyes teared up.

Harry walked into the shop. The bookshop was full of volumes of books of all sort stacked to the ceiling. Rows and rows of leather bound books and paperbacks. Harry was looking for the new Fifty Shades of Grey sequel. It had been on his mind for some time now and only today he could find time to come look for it. The book wasn't out yet so Harry knew that he would really be pushing his luck.

The shopkeeper was a wizened man. "Can I help you with something, dear?"

"Err... Yeah, I am looking for Fifty shades of.....err...Algebra." Harry answered.

"Ho, Ho, Ho. That's the third row down the aisle."

"Sure, thanks." Harry added in an undertone, "Santa Clause".

Harry walked down the shop across other customers and started going through book titles.

A complete guide about how to hold in a fart.
The joy of cooking meth at home.
Maths for non-Asians.
A beginner's guide to human taxidermy.
How to beat women lightly.
A love story better than twilight.
Random Jane Austen novel.
That cat that got valcroed to Donald Trump's head.
1001 ways to insult people who think you need to read self help.
Silicone and where to implant it.
Japanese or.....

"Excuse me!", A voice from behind Harry spoke.

Harry turned around quickly wondering if one of the commuters he had picked has found him. To his relief, there stood the figure of Draco Malfoy.

"You are kind of in the way", Draco said.

"Oh, I am sorry. How much space do you need? Who are you? King Kong?", Harry backfired.

"Chill man. I just want to get across.", Draco said apologetically.

"Wait a second. We went to school together. Aren't you Draco Malfoy?" Harry challenged him.

"Yeah, in fact I sent you a request on Tinder too", Draco spluttered. "We should totally hook up."

"What?", Harry said astonished.

"What?", Draco mimed Harry.

"You are a wizard, Harry", A giant bearded man jumped out from behind the bookshelf.

"And who dafuq are you?", Harry asked the newcomer.

"Oh, Harry. It's been so long since I last saw you. I am Hagrid." And he hugged Harry.

"Gerroff me. You pervert. Send me a request on Tinder first." Harry told Hagrid.

"But Harry, you don't understand. I am here to take you off to Hogwarts.", Hagrid said to Harry with a jovial smile.

"Yeah, the last hobo said the same thing." Harry retorted and went back to looking at books.

"Excuse me! Is there a problem here between you gentlemen and possible gentle pedophile. I am Edward Cullen. I am an Apprentice at the shop. I was also in the Twilight movies." A young boy with a crooked nose turned up wearing pyjamas.

"You suck." Hagrid shouted at Edward. "BOOOOOOOO!"
"No, thank you. It's fine." Harry toid Edward. "They must have confused with me with someone else."

"No. Preposterous. You are a wizard you belong with us in the magical world." Hagrid said outraged.

Harry flicked a figure at Hagrid and started walking away. He turned around the shelf and reached a more darker, deeper part of the bookshop. He had never been here before. The place had little light coming from candles placed feet apart.

"Oye, Harry!"

Harry turned around. And in the distance stood Albus Dumbledore. Wild and Dirty. Torn jeans and hippie unwashed hair. A chain around his neck and a football in his hand.

"Yo, yo, yo. M'boy. What are you doing in this part of the shop." Dumbledore said as he put his arm around Harry's shoulder.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked him.

"To tell the truth. I was just hidin' out back here with old Voldy writin' some rap for my next album. You know what I am sayin'." Dumbledore told him.

"Who's Voldy?" Harry inquired.

"Hey, Voldy! Come out and see who is here." Dumbledore shouted out.

Voldemort emerged from behind a bookshelf. Harry had never seen anyone this handsome before. Voldemort had fly away brown hair and deep green eyes that reminded Harry of his mother's eyes.

"This is Harry Potter." Dumbledore introduced Harry to Voldemort.

"Yo man, I 've heard so much. It's a pleasure to meet ya. Dumby goes on 'bout ya for hours. I mean tryin' to kill a giant snake in its den and jumpin' off a roof with a broomstick. How dumb is you man?"

"Err...." Harry struggled with words.

"Leave it. Listen to my verse so far. Hit it Voldy". Dumbledore said and Voldemort started to beat box.

"Harry was a boy and as dumb as he could be,
And people thought he was the chosen one,
But he can't tell his head from his ass,
And will probably be shot down by a gun,
In the street or get bitten by a mad dog,
Will kiss a princess and turn her into a frog,
He needs his crap beaten out of him,
Or run down by a truck driven by grim,
Is a crazy emo pathetic loser and trash,
Buys food coupons out of cash,
Smells like dirty old socks and porcupines,
Untied shoelace, mango face, rented place,
Slower than a slug is the mental pace,
Short height, short sight, sho...."

"Hold up!" Harry interrupted him.

"What? I had just started. Well guess what? Kim Kardashian is hosting a party tomorrow and she asked me to sing my rap there. You have to come and bring your friends." Dumbledore told him.

"But..." Harry started.

"No buts. You are coming. I feel a connection with Kim. Do not ruin this for me, brah."

"Harry, you are a wizard. Magic is real. Look at these cards." Hagrid came around the shelf again. He took out a deck of cards. "Pick one."

"Can you believe this dude?" Harry asked Dumbledore. "He is trying to abduct me and who knows, Silence of the Lambs me later."

'Give him a chance, Harry." Dumbledore told Harry.

"You give him a chance. You annoying piece of shit". Harry retorted. "I'm RUNNIN'!"

Harry kicked Hagrid in the crotch and ran for his life.

Chapter three: The shit that got real.

It was a quarter past one and so finally Harry started walking down the Fifty Avenue to his favorite cafe, Hedwig's Carcass. What a cool name for a coffee shop, Harry thought while smiling to himself. The sun was playing tricks on his face through the trees. A group of teenagers went past on an 80's Cadillac blasting Nicki Minaj's Anaconda. What a cool song to chill out to, Harry made another mental note to download it later tonight. Harry reached the crossroads and took the left side street and walked into the cafe and looked around for his friends. Across the room Hermione was waving at Harry. Harry saw that she was sitting next to Ron, Neville, Luna and Ginny. Harry gave a little smile and walked towards them.

"Hi, Harry." Hermoine said cheerfully. "O.Em.Gizzle. Dafuq have you been? Shitterpoop is starving." And she flipped away her perfect strawberry blonde hair with her manicured hands.

"Sorry, got held up." Harry said apologetically. "Err...what happened to you and who is Shitterpoop?"

"I went to the salon today and got a makeover, dummy. And this is Shiterpoop." Hermoine pointed towards a small brown dog at her feet.

"Err...great. So what's up with the rest of you?" Harry took no time in diverting the conversation.

"Oh, you know just finishing up my thesis for Effect of Bio Nuclear signatures and their effect on Amazon flora." Said Luna taking a casual sip from her cup.

"The same old. Got into Harvard on the basis of Sports credit and Exceptional IQ." Neville said with an air of nonchalance and raised from his seat to give Harry a high five.

"Just bought the new Porsche. Dad paid for it. Living the dream life, man." Ron said with a grin.

"And you?" Harry asked Ginny who was busy flicking fingers at a homeless person on the other side of the glass.

"Umm...nothing much. Just got my belly button pierced and a tattoo on my right butt cheek." Ginny replied. "Wanna see?"

"Yea-nope!" Harry told her after an aghast look on Ron's face.

"Also just recovered from this STD." Ginny said with a sigh of relief.

"When were you in Mexico, Ginny?" Hermione said puzzled.

"What?" Ginny said.

"You get STDs from public toilets and drinking water in Mexico." Hermione said smartly. "Everyone knows that."

"Tell us Harry, what did you want to talk about that you have called us here?" Luna asked.

"Is it your scar?" Ron said.

"Is it your tummy?" Hermione asked.

"What? LOL guys." Harry said with a laugh. It's not a scar, it's a sticker that came out of a bubblegum wrap." And he took it off and pasted it on the window.

"Well, I just wanted to come and have a bite and tell you that I got us passes to Kim Kardashian's live show. So you guys are going out with me tomorrow night. No excuses."

"But Harry, I have to go to the library to return the books." Luna said slightly embarrassed.

"Ooooo! What is this? Lib-rarely." Hermoine asked with an expression of confused excitement.

"Library, honey. It's a place from where you could borrow books" Luna told Hermione.

"Anyways, guys we are going. And you can return the books some other time, Luna." Harry said with a note of finality.

"Can we order some food now, please? My treat." Ron said out aloud trying to loosen the tension in the cafe equivalent to freshly churned butter.

"Sure." Harry said.

Harry, Ron, Neville, Luna and Ginny ordered sandwiches while Hermione ordered two family sized Hawaiian pizzas and Diet Coke.

"Let's play a game while we wait for food." Ginny said while she sharpened her knife on her heels.

"Fine, bring it on." Harry said with a smile.

"What happened to your gums?" Ginny asked revolted.

"Lead poisoning." Harry told her as a matter of fact.

"Hello, we are still here." Hermione interrupted them.

"Yeah. So as I was saying we all will take turns to confess something." Ginny turned to the rest.

"NO." Everyone said in unison.

"Do it or else." Ginny banged the table with her fist.

Five minutes later they were into the game when it was Hermione's turn. She was looking into the distance and had a dreamy expression on her face.

"I think Mr. Weasley is really hot." Hermione said slowly.

"What?" Harry and Ron said together.

"What?" Hermione said blushing as she was shaken out of her reverie.

Fortunately, Hagrid the giant oaf decided to show up at the exact time to create a giant distraction. "Harry, you are a wizard!"

"Aaaahhhhhhh!" Hermione screamed. "What is that? Why is this giant ball of hair trying to abduct me."

"Listen man. I don't know what shit you are talking about. Now get the hell out of my face before I call the cops." Harry told Hagrid angrily.

"But Hogwarts is waiting for you. The school of magic." Hagrid said.

"Yeah, nice try." Harry made a rude hand gesture at Hagrid.

"Eff you, man. I 've been walking around the city looking for you." Dumbledore mustn't have known the bag of crap that you are.

"Yeah, whatever man." Harry said. "Can you believe this loser?" Harry asked Neville incredulously who simply shrugged and went back to his sandwich.

Hagrid left disappointed after five minutes of swearing and a pizza slice thrown at his face by Hermione.

But high tides had just started to move in. A minute later Aladdin came into the shop floating on his carpet. He bought a donut and flew straight towards Harry's table.

"Can I help you mate?" Ron asked him.

Aladdin ignored him for he had eyes only for Hermione. "Do you like my magic carpet? "He asked her.

"Ah, yours!" Hermione said while she snapped her fingers. "You are a thief, Aladdin. You stole it. Tell me the truth. I am real."

Harry choked on the last part.

"But I can show you the world." Aladdin told Hermione.

"What do you mean? I see it. I live on it. I see it everyday." Hermione said waving her hand around. "Where do you think I came from? Your A-hole? You are wrong, cause the only thing coming from there is your bullshit."

"Burnnn." Neville said to Aladdin as he did the John Cena hand gesture at him.

Suddenly Ginny stood up. "Guys, I need to go. Later snitches." And she started walking towards the door.

As Harry's eyes followed her, he saw her meet up with a possible metal head with piercings all over his face. She climbed on the heavy bike and went off with him.

"Guys, who was he?" Harry asked the rest in general.

"Oh, that's Jimmy. He used to sell me weed and crack in high school." Luna spoke up.
"He is such a sweetheart. And guess what, he killed a fox with a racket once. Hmm...good times."

While Harry processed this information, the owner of the cafe showed up. She was a kind faced black women with the warmest eyes Harry had ever seen.  "Pay yo bills and get yo raggedy common white asses the hell outta here. We are closed. YOU GONE!"

Harry looked around and saw that they were the only ones left in the cafe. They hastily paid their bill and left.

When Harry reached his apartment, he fell on his bed and fell asleep at once looking forward to the pudding dream.

Chapter four: Draco gets lucky.

The next morning Harry woke up to the sound of the door bell. He got out of bed groggily and opened the door to find the postman.

"You have got mail." The post man held out a letter.

Harry took the envelope from him and smashed the door into his face.

Harry was still half asleep. He opened the envelope to find a postcard in it. It has a beautiful picture of Edinburgh University on in. He turned it over to find a note scribbled on it.

Dearest Harry,

 It's been so long since we last saw you. Dudley misses you so much. You are our favourite nephew. Come see us in England as soon as you can. Here's £500 for you to buy sweets. We love you.

Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley.

Harry looked into the envelope and sure enough there was a £500 note in it. He pocketed it and threw the rest into the nearest bin.

Harry walked back into his bedroom and slumped onto the bed and turned on T.V. He was sleepy af. He thought that this was the kind of day when even his coffee would need a coffee. He opened Facebook on his mobile. One friend request from Innoxent Princess. Harry accepted it without a second's waste. He was desperate.

Th door bell rand again. Harry was pissed. He went back to the door. To his astonishment it was Draco Malfoy.

"Hey you!" Draco said smilingly.

"Umm...look man, I don't think it's a good time." Harry replied.

But Draco had already walked into the one room studio apartment.
"Woah, you live in this shithole? Man, you need to clean this mess up."

"Thank you, princess. But you can take your pH 14 basic common white self back to your Daddy's peacock palace." Harry snapped.

"What? You are white." Draco said confused.

"No, I am black. I have albinism. My middle name is black. Harry Black Potter." Harry replied with the bitchface.

Draco sat on a chair but jumped up as soon as he had done. "Is that a dead cat?"

"OMG. You found him. Mr. Peanuts.Have been looking for him for two weeks," Harry took the cat from him and placed it on the bed.

"Anyways, I was in the neighborhood and I thought I would check on you." Draco said pointedly.

"Well, you have checked." Harry said combing his wig.

"There's something else." Draco said quietly. "You haven't accepted my Tinder request."

Harry opened his mouth to confront him but the door bell rang again.

"Dear lord of uninvited guests!" Harry said angrily and went to open the door.

"Hello Harry, just thought I would drop by and give you this letter from Hogwarts." Hagrid was standing in the door.

"You got to be shitting me." Harry said annoyed. "Not you again. Look man I have only as much magic in me as a dead rat."

"But you must listen to me. Hogwarts awaits you." Hagrid implored.

Harry was so much angry now that he went back into his apartment, took his shot gun from the drawer, went back to the door and shot Hagrid in the face. Six times.

Hagrid fell to the ground and moved no more.

Malfoy came to the door running. "What have you done? You killed him. Hagrid, oh Hagrid." Malfoy broke down.

"You knew this dude? Harry asked him.

"Of course I did. He used to bring me sweets when I was a kid and he used to......." Draco stopped mid sentence and went red.

 Harry was sure he didn't want to hear the rest of the sentence anyway.

"Look, I have to bury him in the backyard now. So you really need to get going now." Harry told Draco.

"But my Tinder request?"

"Not happening bro."

"I will stop pestering you if you take me to Kim Kardashian's party with you."  Draco said.

"What? How did you?" Harry was confused. "I am going with my friends."

"Please. Please take me too. She is my idol." Draco begged him.

"Fine. Come to El Rey hotel tonight at 8:00 pm." Harry resigned.

"Thanks man." Malfoy cheered up suddenly and left without saying a word.

Harry closed the door leaving Hagrid's body out on the street and thinking to himself that he would dispose it off after lunch.

(Yes. The chapter's name was misleading. So what? Bite me.)

Chapter five: The Halaal Kim.

At 7:00 Harry had stored Hagrid's body into the basement freezer and was ready to leave for the party. He had chosen to dress very casually. He was wearing a yellow romper and unicorn cap. He matched them with red Mc'Donald's clown shoes. He checked himself into the mirror for one last time time and thought 'you sexy beast, stop it!' and then left.

Harry took the L train to the center of the city. All the way people kept staring and pointing and taking pictures of him and he thought that he must be looking really handsome today. He got off the train near the Times Square. He was exceptionally good mood and not only because he had smoked weed on his way down here, so he pushed an old lady in front of a bus out of sheer joy.

Harry arrived at El Rey just in time and found Ron, Ginny, Hermoine, Neville and Malfoy. He waved at them and kissed Draco on the cheek.

"What was that about? You homo." Malfoy spat at him out of disgust.

"Well, I thought we were bros.", said Harry.

"Not until you accept my Tinder request." Draco replied.

"C'mon guys lets go." Ginny said and led into the faintly lit hall. Harry thought that it was decorated well to meet the occasion's needs. Satanic symbols and pictures of Lucifer sacrificing human beings with his spear.

"Hey guys, you made it." Dumbledore reached them in the middle of the hall. Voldemort by his side. Both dressed in Black Giogio Armani suits and looking really smug and wearing rainbow ties to go along with them. "Let's find seats, shall we."

Slowly the crowd filled in. None of the people here looked familiar to Harry. Foreign ambassadors, secretary of states, military personal, NASA and some people from African cults.

All of a sudden lights went out and a central spotlight appeared. It focused on a pair drawn curtains. There was a drum roll the curtains opened up and there she stood. Kim. Harry thought she must be one of the most prettiest girls on the planet. She was dressed in white Shalwar Kameez with a matching scarf on her head.

"YAAASSSSS."Hermoine screamed. "SLAY QUEEEEN."

"Marry me!" Ron shouted. "I love you."

"Welcome, brothers and sisters. I hope you are enjoying yourself. We have some very special guests for you tonight. Please give it up for Dumby and Voldy." Kim said.

With thunderous applause both of them moved to the center of the room. Voldemort started to beatbox at the instant and Dumbledore done started to rap.
"Yo, yo, yo, you ready?

Ain't no chosen one, grew up listening to that old bullshit,
Found a Harry Potter, doing crack in a bar, out of his wit,
Got him out, put him in school, he was really dim, dustbin,
This box was better than the one he was held in.
Looks like he was molested by Teddy Bear Ruxpin,
Anyway helped him, rappers this kind: that's seldom,
Thought of taking him to black market and sell him,
He's garbage, wouldn't have earned me two quarters,
Is a little whiner, I have met slugs that are smarter,
Tell you what Harry,  you don't have to save the world,
For now your own life is on the shelf,
Leave the world to us, Hagrid and pedos are after you,
You need to worry about yourself!"

Dumbledore finished the song to thunderous applause. Once the crowd had settled, Kim came back on stage. She had changed into a traditional Burqa. Only her eyes were visible. "Please help yourself to food."

There was an instead stampede. People were running, shoving, pushing, grabbing, kicking and punching in every direction to get to the food table. Harry sat back as he didn't feel much hungry and also because someone had had kicked him in the back and he couldn't move.

"Excuse me. Are you Harry Potter?"

Harry turned to his left and saw Kim standing there.


"I have heard so much about you." She said. "I am honored to have met you."

"Me too. How do you know Dumbledore?" Harry inquired.

"He is my brother silly. I am Ariana."

Harry was taken aback. He always thought Dumbledore's sister was Ariana Grande.
"What? How could that be?"

"The thing is that I am a witch, Harry."

"DAFUQ?" Harry was outraged. "What? How?"

"Ever since I was young I could bring all the boys to my yard. And it wasn't because of the milkshake. I was feeding them all love potions." Kim said, blushing.

"That is some serious effed up shit, right there." Harry told her.

"It is." Kim said smiling stupidly.

"But Kim Kardashian. How did you come up with that name." Harry was curious.

Kim took out her wand and wrote in mid-air. "Kim Kardashian" in fiery blue letters.
Some rearranged to form Ariana and the rest disappeared.

"I see." Harry said.

"In the start I wanted to go with Clamydia Kardashian but than I settled for this.
But you know what it's not easy getting here." Kim said.

"What do you mean?" Harry said sympathetically.

"My mother disowned me and told the world that I died. For years I had to beg money from people via phone and easy load. I was Asma from hospital for 10 years."

"I see, you have met Kim." Dumbledore appeared.

Yeah! And she is your sister? When were you going to tell me this?" Harry heated up.

"Tonight Harry!" Dumbledore said calmly.

"Screw you man, screw you." Harry shouted at him. He was angry. "I thought that we were bros, man."

"Please Harry, you must understand. I had to wait for the right time. The time when you were ready." Dumbledore was still cool and calm as he said it.

"Whatever man. We are done. I am outta here." Harry said.

Harry flicked a finger at Dumbledore for one last time and stormed out.

It was late and dark. He was midway across the road to catch a train when a bus came out of nowhere and banged the bajeezus out of him.

Chapter six: King Cross station and Anne Frank.

Harry was sitting at a familiar bench under a vaulted ceiling. He heard sudden laughter. He looked around to find the source. From within the smoke came Moaning Myrtle.

"Hey, Harry!" Myrtle waved at Harry.

"Myrtle, where am I?" Harry inquired.

"Dafuq do I know?" Myrtle replied stopping short in her tracks. "I was residing jovial in my room and someone sent me a YouTube link. I opened it and I died."

"Just like that?" Harry asked her bemused.

"Well, I saw hair, lots of it and I think I heard a baby dragon choking to death."

"What was the video's name, Myrtle?"

"Mankind's Ainjal." Myrtle whispered. "Anyhow, I found this new app where you upload your photos and it tells you about your celebrity look alike. Mine is Megan Fox. You should totally try it."

Harry took her phone and took a selfie to upload it. A minute later he said, "Do I really look like Anne Frank?"

"LMAO, Harry. Take another picture. Maybe this wasn't a good angle." Myrtle laughed.

He took another one, this time smiling. The app showed him a picture of Anne Frank smiling.

"The hell?" Harry threw her phone at the wall and it cracked. "That thing is biased."

"It's okay." A voice came from behind Harry.

Harry turned to find Anne Frank standing there, "No one said college would be easy. It's a hell hole and you will have to suffer it"

"Did you also had to face such problems growing up? Harry questioned her.

"Nope. I never grew up." Anne Frank said ruefully.

"Oh yeah. I know. Stupid Anne." Harry punched her shoulder. "You are dead."

"So are you, you annoying piece of shit." Anne said and then punched him in the face.

Chapter seven: The boy who lived.

Harry woke up the next day in the hospital. He couldn't move a single muscle. All around his bed were His friends, Draco, Dumbledore and Voldemort.

"Your entire body has been paralyzed." Dumbledore told him wisely.

Harry looked at him with a questioning expression in his eyes.

"Honey", Hermoine said, who had Shitterpoop in a basket. "You will have to poop in a bag for the rest of your life."

Narcissa Malfoy banged open the door. "Come, Draco. We are leaving."

"No, mum. Can't you see shit's getting real here?" Draco said.

"Come or no WiFi for a month." Narcissa said triumphantly.

"Damnit!" Draco resigned and left the room with his mother.

A part of Harry wished Draco hadn't left. The door opened once again. Harry looked towards it hopefully. It was Hagrid.

"You are a wizard, Harry." He said smiling and walked towards him with open arms.

Harry didn't know how he did it. He jumped off the bed and out the window.

Nobody saw Harry Potter after that.



lives with his imaginary friends 
in a single cell.
He enjoys throwing Slurpees at random people,
bitch-slapping and occasionally insulting his pastor.
His life long dream is to rid the world
of poor people by genocide and supports Nietzsche policies.
He is an extremely spiritual person,
and worships,
god of the underworld.




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