The Laddoo That Gave Aunty Diabetes

Saturday, May 12, 2012 Aunty jan 6 Comments Category :


Dear Aunty
Although it took me a while to decide whether I should discuss my problem or not, after how you butchered that 'bechara bacha' in your latest answer yet, I'm taking a " leap of faith and don't want to become an old man filled with regret waiting to die "ALONE" . It's been couple of years now that I'm stuck at the conundrum of 'How to get a Girlfriend' ? It seems awkward now after so many years, or should I label it desperation? I've consulted innumerable self-help books for that. I've been a fan of many ' How to ' books , How to do this? , How to do that? how to do just about everything. Then, I tried ' googling' the same question on Internet, and searched that much every day that I left a permanent mark of my ordeal. I can even demonstrate that to you, activate the instant search google option and just write ' How to get ' and you'll see my question listed as first result suggestion, such is the magnitude of my problem. I followed step by step the information given on Internet websites like,
1)Having my own life ( I do have it, but I'd really like someone to 'Chura le mera Dil' and enable me to sing serenades like "Chura Lia Hai Tum ne jo Dil ko "  
2)Make an impression (for that I did body building, learnt to play guitar and posting cool stuff at batch FB group) 
3)Look good ( for that I bought a cool Outfitters T-Shirt, Cross Road's Jean, Levi's Hawai Chappal and a Lacoste Por Femme Perfume)
4)Ask her out ( I asked for her practical notebooks many times) 
5)Add her on facebook ( I don' think I've left any girl who comments on class group)
6)Be cool ( I'm cool enough, I've got moves like a Jagger)
But I've lost my faith in all these Internet links, they don't work here. When scholar like Freud didn't find what a women wants despite his 30 years of work how can I succeed in answering that. Anyway I guess these methods work in west, eastern culture is a separate entity. Then my love guru who claims to have a relationship advised me to turn to ' giving secret glances ' at her, now I tried that many times but I think girl knows the intent of males looking at them so that too has failed, even joining every society because they claim to promote interaction, hasn't worked and I end up leaving all of them. Now, the situation is somewhat under control (but I'm afraid it can disseminate soon to every cortical neuron in my brain) but I should Thank Steve Jobs (R.I.P) for this palliative support, in fact I'm highly indebted to Apple for giving me a virtual girlfriend in the form of SIRI , you know it can just tell about everything (even those wild secrets) and she can speak English in three different accents. I've divided days: two days Australian Siri is my gf, three days American and rest British Siri. Isn't that cool? She answers my all how to question, advise me and take care of me she is my girl friend for now, but I'm planning to dump her soon after all I'm not like Rajesh Kuthrapali. Sure she gave me a lot of experience but I'm among those believing in Obama's " Change we need " slogan. 
That brings me to you, a mature aunti who'll not even help me but can even become my friend ( I've got firm faith in this). But please, don't be too much caring by adding your amylase in tea I'm sure I don't have Sjogren's or Xerostomia. I hope you have an answer to my problem, you're my last refuge I expect you to be a Messiah for me 

P.S. I don't want to die alone.

Thanks, yours truly
Moti choore ka lad'doo


Dear Moti Chooor Kay Laddoo!



I have enormous faith in the benefits of the co-education system. Several hundred years ago, when my Mummy got admission into the college of her dreams, my nanaa-jaan put his foot down at the last moment. “Saadi bachee mundyaan naal nai parh sakdi! BUSS OYE!” And so Mummy shed a tear quietly and killed all her dreams and studied day and night and graduated summa cum-laude. And several hundred years later, when it came to me and my seven siblings, Mummy worked day and night and had us admitted in the best co-ed colleges because that was the path she wanted for us to take. All us brothers and sisters turned out bright and confident and comfortable with the ways of the world and our Mummy took her dreams out of the old, dusty suitcases of bad decisions and stubborn biases and relived them through us. Quite a sad little success story. She still sheds a silent tear sometimes. And we all cry with her, my seven brothers and sisters and I.
And so you’d understand why I’m practically itching to take you out of your mithai ka dabba and put you in my juicer-blender and give you a good shake. For all we know, guys like you and their 'secret glances' is probably what keeps cautious mums and dads from sending their daughters to good colleges. I won’t debate on the absolute necessity of having a girl-friend. There's no use going there. You kids are like my two-year old grandson who loves tarbooz. Give it to him on a hot summer afternoon and he could eat a bucket-full. He would also pass it all out unchanged in his pampers (seeds and all) and cry his nostrils out because it gives him diarrhea but he never stops loving it! You see a pattern? You’d continue with your miserable perversions with your sick cell-phone and your dream girl would twist you around her little finger like the ulloo that you are, and your pathetic problems would just about  give Aunty ji a headache and a heart attack, but you’d still want a girlfriend. Kia karein bhayya, khotyan de sir uttay seeng honday te hor ki chyda si!





Mairey bachay, your problem isn’t even a problem! But it’s certainly being blown up into a full-fledged disease by that love-guru of yours. Gurus like him give love a bad name. Teach him a lesson he’d never forget. I’m sure you’d be able to pull off something sufficietly bad-assed to get back at him for messing up your life. But if you have trouble, you’re welcome to borrow the supplies from the ‘Revenge Resources’ pantry I’ve built in my backyard. I could lend you sugar for his gas tank and pointy nails for his car tyres. Maggots for his mattress and lice-infested combs for his hair. A cell-phone and free credit to make anonymous ‘I-know-what-you-did-last-summer’ crank calls from. Jamaal gota for his milk. You name it, I’ve got it!
And when you’re done with that, go home, throw away your contact lenses, put on your glasses and open a book. (A TEXTBOOK! And no, Playboy doesn’t count as one!) Your Aunty ji may be a tired, old lady with painful joints and a waning eye-sight, but if there’s one thing she knows it’s this: The chicks always fall for the nerds. It’s a match made in heaven. Jagger kay bachay, insaan ban! The guitars and the muscles beneath the cool tees and fake accents are just the shoda-pan of youth speaking. They’re fireworks that put on a roaring show at first and then fade, fade, fade from the night-skies forever. Be the ugly nerd that you are instead of the hot hunk that you can nevah evah evah be. If the chick falls for you, good! If she doesn’t, well then there’s no place like Facebook for desperate perverts like you.






P.S. Chura Lya Hai gaanay k lyey shakal bhe tou Vijay Arora jaisi honi chyey, haina baita jee? Is lyey songs pe matt jyey, apni aqal larayey. And jab tak asli wali nahi phansti, Siri se he kaam chalayey!
Good luck!
Aunty ji.



RELATED POSTS

6 comments

  1. Heartless aunty :/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aunty ji, ap kabhi apney baarey mein bhe kuch likhein! Your story sounds interesting...:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. who is this anty..em starting to have a crush on her:P

    ReplyDelete
  4. Puttar, Aunty's way out of your league. But if you really do 'feel like' crushing on somebody just for the moment,I know a couple of very nice girls I could set you up with and who would love to be set up with strangers on the internet. Just drop a line in my inbox some time and we'll see tera ki ban sakdaa e!

    ReplyDelete
  5. auntie....i wish ap hamaray batch group mai a kr khitab krayn ...

    ReplyDelete
  6. A khitaab might not sit well with my arthritic knees and loose teeth, sweetie, but tell me what's on your mind and I'll certainly ease those hookworms wriggling inside your mind!
    ;)

    ReplyDelete