Friday, April 27, 2012 Sidrah Latif 2 Comments Category :


THE TENs
Ten things I love about Kemcolians:
1.       Amazing sense of direction: When standing infront of Ghari ward they ask “Baji where is medicine ward!” When infront of Pathology they demand where is pathology lab. When infront of Facility area they demand to know where can they get a printing facility. And most importantly they are confused which one is the zero point and which one its anti. Such sweet, loveable simplicity, like that of an old-age Hippo trying to remember what it used to be a part of Shakespearean tango.
2.       Risqué sense of humor: Since Kemcolians take pride in being Kemcolians, somehow they need to communicate it to the outer world that they are the protagonist of the show, crème-de-la-crème of the nation. And what method they choose it to flaunt? Of all the possibilities, ribald sense of humor. Infact I want to open up thesaurus right now to draft up a whole list of vocabulary to give them a topon ki salami! So here goes… Lascivious, licentious, prurient, indecorous, smutty, salacious. Need I say more? *straightens the collar totally smitten with her high intellect*
3.       Steel will and iron determination:  Kemcolians are steel-willed and determined like an iron rod! They got their preliminary schooling at Ittefaq Foundary. If they will, teacher can teach them, if they won’t, teacher can not. One dictum that is prevalent without question!
4.       Stand their ground against pigeons: since times immemorial, Pigeons and Kemcolians have co-existed, albeit with mutual animosity that is reciprocated equally on either sides, for years and years. Neither of them is about to give up. In advancement of their struggle against pigeons, kemcolians introduce their own “Pigeony theory of equal effectual representation”. Now they are found  littering the campus with their own litter as much the pigeon is utilizing its poop. Way to go buddies, woo-hoo!
5.       Are absurdly rose-eyed: when on campus the dialogues are like:
“yaaar kidhar phans gae hain!”
“hey yar have you heard the package at BNU and LUMS? It comes with girls with skinny jeans and T-SHIRTS! Not long frocks!”
“I wish I were in one of *those* institutions.”

When at home:
“O baita I hear you are in KE now” (Amma’s colleague)
“Yes I am”
“I heard KE’s standard really low now. Why did you go there?”
Dhuz-dha-dhish-thaa-thish-dazooom!

Moral of the story, no one messes around with our KE except we :D

6.       Have GIT like dinosaurs: “Lakkar-hazam, Pathar-hazam”! Heard about it anyone? Who can eat a bun-makhan-shami of Al-karim daily, top it with main course of vegetable patties, gulp it all down with lemonade and then take a gola for dessert. Kemcolians are the line of evolution who have retained the GIT from dino ancestors. Lakkar-hazam, Pathar-hazam!
7.       Have megaphones for larynx: No matter how hard it is tried to discern, but the structure of Kemcolians’ voice box is yet a myth. Research has been done on khotay ka Larynx and structural homologies have been found between the two larynxes, but yet some structures are even not possessed by khotas’, but Kemcolians’ do have! Physicist have now  been called in on the pretext that megaphones may have something to do with their unnaturally loud voices. Research continues, and is a point of active dissention.
8.       Sense of Humor, aaalaa! Yes Kemcolians laugh, and a mighty laugh that is. The statement has been issued by me in order to apprise any non-kemcolian reading this, for we know about ourselves quite too much! Imagine this scenario: “A professor who is a DR. JEKYLL in the class but becomes MR. HYDE in the viva is telling an anecdote he loves to recollect in every session that passes. Just as he is about to throw his punch line expecting tumultuous cheers, someone from the class will take the words out of his mouth, give them their own idea of humorous and throw it to the humor-starved-vultures of the class. Voila! Tumultuous square cheers are received!”
Not worrying about the utterly high risk predicament they are putting themselves in, they show their phenomenal and spectacular sense of humor. They are not afraid of it, and I absolutely love that about them.
9.       Speed, agility, said again SPEED! Ever seen a kemcolian scribbling away in an exam? Think that is the ultimate rendition of their speed and agility, then sweetness you have seen nothing! See them when typing utterly stupid comments on friends’ status updates and photos. The speed has been purportedly reported to exceed 150 WPM! Woo-hoo!
10.   Rumorification: kemcolians love to talk and spread and talk and spread, and no where in the procedure comes the point of confirmation. Heard that a mouse has a baby kitten, immediately text it to the entire class. There is a walnut shaped, mushy thing lying inside your cranium, heck ever used that? Who cares!
And ten things that I hate (as if my hating will create any difference to the perpetrators of these grievous crimes but let me shoot away. Something about speaking in the face of adversary, I am *sniff* so brave! *Bawls*)
1.       Asking question in question-not-allowed time on a no-question zone: Kemcolians will ask questions, and let me tell you the lamest of all which will make you want to bang your head against the coconut tree in your blue lagoon reverie you had conjured during lecture. And they will ask in a no-question zone i.e. lecture theatre, in a strictly-question-not-allowed-time i.e. the end of a lecture which was valium natured in putting you to effective sleep. They dare because they are stupid. Ever seen the lecturer turning purple when you ask your question? I hate you you question asking stupid wannabe nerd!
2.       Efficiency-yaar mere mein to inteha hai efficiency ki! I hate those who:
When the notification have been given that wards are off after 10:15 go to their wards to ask them that will there be a class. Ward walas: Oh no you nincompoop there won’t be a class because there is a notification, but since you are here so says aloud “baita hum to idhar class lene hi baithay hain, ap aa jaen class kr lete hain!”
Attended ward, attendance marked, others absent, make all these schnooks stand in a line GOTTA TRY MY NEW PLUTONIUM ENRICHED BOMB ON THEM!
3.       AC freaks: Y U NO SEEN AN AC IN YOUR LIFE? Why the Kemcolians have to behave as if they have never seen an AC in their life and the only chance they will ever get of knowing an AC upclose will be in the lecture theatre? The way you push, pull, scream, trample toes, pinch arms and poke eyes, it belies the lack of AC-ification in your homes, nothing else.
4.       Khaba khappay! Whenever Kemcolians are around, Khaba Khapay! Enough said.
5.       Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Will tell you have  not studied a word before the test and/or exam. What were you doing? Teaching zulu tribes how to be ballerinas?  Idiots.
6.       Fraternizing with the opposite sex: What is the science behind two boys and six girls sitting together on zero-point. “Because we are the coolest girls, and these two boys are the cutest ones in our class so we allow them to stand infront of us Majestys.” What is the science behind a boy and a girl sitting in patiala ground making sketch books together. Does it help make more colourful strokes out or gives more inspiration? “No we just have to show to our seniors that we are cool kids who sit together unlike them.” Sonnies, this is not your kamal, good for you Sir Akram and Maam Attiya no more here at KE.
7.       “I am very photogenic so I should be in every group photo!” What is a girl who has never lifted any weights doing in the group photo of body-building club? “I have been lifting Bailey in one hand and Davidson in other.” What is a boy who knows not how to speak doing in a Debating Society group photo? “I answered all my viva questions in this prof so I deserve to stand with the home of the fearless!” What is the person who does not know direct from indirect narration doing standing in Kels English group photo? “I am so photogenic that I impart beauty to these eggheads pic!”
8.       The hygiene experts: I hate those kemcolians who after doing dissection or examining patients, without washing hands will put their hands in your wavy pack and get their undue share. Someone tell them that they have to straighten out the kinks in their sense of hygiene!
9.       The haw-hae-us-wali-cupboard-ki-to-maine-spotting-nai-ki group: To clarify this point, I will narrate an incident. Our stage of Thorax was here and everyone was busy doing spotting. There was this “girl” I won’t name, standing on a model and asked me what the particular structure was. I said Internal Thoracic Nerve shaid. She asked why? I said “jaga to woi wali lagti hai that’s why”. Now this girl wanted me to remain standing there because she was interested in a verbal match on is-it-or-is-it-not-INTERNAL THORACIC NERVE. I went in DH, spent half an hour talking around and blah-blah-ing. On my way out I happened to pass by the same cupboard, the same girl was there over the same model with Netter and Mc Minn’s open in her hand and said, “I think you were right, this is ITN!” Let me tell you they are the same group of people who cry “haw hae us wali cupboard ki to maine spotting ki hi nai!”. Yes moron you were busy deciding the identity of ITN that’s why!
10.   The treat demanders: Kemcolians go berserk when you get something as remote as a nose prick.
“Awww you got a nose pin! TREAT!”
“You passed substage! TREAT!”
“You got 5 marks less than third in stage! TREAT!”
“You spoke in interclass declamation? TREAT!”
“You discovered your lost safety pin! TREAT!”
“Pigeon pooped on you! TREAT to banti hai yaawr!”
Yes I know what a hungry bunch of people you are, and I hate this about you lirterally!

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2 comments

  1. Though I am not as wise yet to appreciate the degree of veracity you might have tried to attain while reporting the features enlisted in the '10 things I like about KEMU', but the things you hate about KE are so very genuinely despicable that I readily condone you for not being sarcastic enough in mentioning the 'oh-not-so-likeable-likes'. The laudatory words for Mr. and Ms.efficient, the uproar of the non-AC ified mob, liars and liarsss, always-hungry-treat demanders were so very rightly deserved and so very magnanimously awarded that it made me give you a kudos. thumbs up !!!!

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  2. Lol Thank you Fatira! I hope the message gets across to all those as well for whom I did this effort :D

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