Surviving Maternity: The Ten Commandments

Tuesday, March 16, 2010 Saad Javed 0 Comments Category :

From the 5 years spent in a med school, of course it's the final one that you're going to remember the most. Like a bumper-sticker, it'll be pasted upon your rear-ends. Perhaps forever. I guess it's the fortnight everyone calls 'MATERNITY' that'll shine like a gaudy neon light over your memoirs. Your first live birth (Awww!); your first placenta (Ewww!); your first rude awakening by a junior nurse/staff on rupturing 13 veins in a screaming woman's hand with a branula (Ouch!);paying Rs.180/- for a Roghni Naan at Cuckoo's Den.(Double Ouch!). It's going to be a ride to remember, yes. But since Lady Willingdon Hospital hasn't hired a stewardess to guide you to your seats, I decided to let my experience be your teacher.

1. Thou Shalt Have No Time/Energy/Mood to Study:
It may come as a mighty shock to the nerds but academics take a back seat once you are trapped in the whirlwind of a Labour Room. So don't bring extra luggage (books, highlighters)etc.

2. Thou Shalt Bring your Anti-Biotics/Metronidazoles with you:
The hostel mess will serve you car-engine grease on some days. Plus you'll be drinking too many carbonated drinks, for sure. Sore throats and intestinal hurry shall be the rule of the day.

3. Thou Shalt Bear Witness to Walls that are Vulgar:
The Hostel Rooms have walls that have endured harsh times and dirty minds. You can bring posters to cover the filth or just play sport and bring your own crayons to engrave your own evil.

4. Thou Must Learn the Art of Flattery:
To let you go off early, stretch your dinner/namaaz/tea breaks and to mark some proxies, you have to charm the person in charge. The Batch Representative must, hence, have the gift of gab. Try 'Madam aap chaa gy hayn!' after a live birth.

5. Remember! To Cringe Will be a Sin:
Even if you feel disgusted/sick/nauseous just do not make faces. The poor lady on the labour room table, is under too much stress; thanks to the Nazi Nurses and Pharaonic Ayaahs. Remain calm. Go to the 'Jhoola' and check out the neonates. Come back smiling.
6. Thou Must Bring Insecticides:
Remember 'Machchar hu mein, Louie mera naam'? That mosquito proudly singing of his own dirtiness, claiming to be afraid of no-one except Mortein? The ones in the hostel are fast becoming insecticide-resistant. Come prepared.

7. Thou Ought NOT trust thy Nokia/Samsung Mobile Alarms:
Chances are, you'd been awake till the wee hours and little ringtones can't wake you up on time. (My roomies were SO lazy, none of them would leave their beds to switch the freaking light ON, let alone get up and wash their faces!) HINT: Ask your moms to call you early morn and yell in your ears.

8. Pay Thy respect to the Best Chicken in Town:
Arif Chatkhara serves this exceptional Tawa Chicken. The poultry-flesh melts in your mouth and it's so good, you almost die after your first bite. (You are served with a roti with thickness of a tissue paper.Uff. Umda!) Do not miss that!

9. Thou Must look for Clean Toilets:
The labour room-nursing stations have clean bathrooms. The ones in the hostel are hell-holes. You do the maths. Sneak in fresh clothes and you could even take a quick bath (which by the way, is a luxury there!)

10. Maternity is Fraternity:
Inconsequential gossip, secret smiles, late night laughters and outlandish pranks can render total awesomeness to this fortnight. Only with your friends will you be able to enjoy this rollercoster-(man, this is such a cliche!-ride. So hop aboard and squeeze the best out of it!